I Refuse to Be a Free Nanny for My Stepmom’s Kids

Family relationships can be full of joy, but they can also come with challenges, especially when new dynamics are introduced after remarriage. Many people struggle to find a balance between helping out and being taken for granted, and it’s not always easy to draw the line. Sometimes, small disagreements can grow into bigger conflicts that leave everyone wondering who was right and who was wrong. Recently, we received a letter from a reader who shared her own experience with this very issue.

Here’s her letter:

My dad remarried two years ago to a woman with three kids. They’re sweet, but every time I visit, I somehow become the default babysitter.

Last weekend, they “invited me for dinner.” When I showed up, my dad and my stepmom were dressed up for a night out. “We won’t be long,” they said. They were gone five hours. When I complained, she brushed me off, “You have no kids, so it’s not like you’ll miss anything.”

Last night, I accepted their invite again—but this time, I made my point. As soon as they walked out, I called a professional sitter, paid her for the night, and walked out. I spent the evening enjoying a fancy dinner by myself.

When my dad came back, he found the babysitter’s bill on the table. He tried to argue, but I looked him straight in the eye and said, “If my time is worth nothing, then you can start paying for someone else’s.”

That was the last time they tried to trick me. But it also sparked a huge fight in the family—my dad and stepmom painted me as selfish, and even some relatives took their side.

Now I’m left wondering: did I go too far? Or should I really have just accepted being the “free babysitter” for the sake of peace?

Sincerely,
Carla

Thank you, Carla, for sharing your story with us. Family dynamics can be tough, so we’ve put together 5 pieces of advice to help you handle this situation with clarity and confidence.

Protect Your Peace by Limiting Visits.

If your visits keep turning into unpaid babysitting shifts, it may be best to step back for a while. You can choose to visit less often or only accept invitations when you feel confident about their intentions.

Sometimes reducing your availability is the only way to show people you won’t tolerate being taken for granted. This doesn’t mean you stop caring—it just means you care for yourself too. Over time, they may value your presence more when it’s not guaranteed.

Offer Alternatives Instead of Just Saying No.

Sometimes people need help seeing other options. You could suggest they hire a sitter beforehand if they’re planning a night out and still want you to visit for family time. That way, your role isn’t confused, and the kids still get proper care.

If you do enjoy spending occasional time with the kids, you can offer to babysit when it’s convenient for you, but on your terms. This balances family support with your own freedom.

Set Clear Boundaries With Respect.

Your stepmom may have assumed that because you care about her kids, you’d naturally step in whenever needed. The problem is that this expectation grew without your consent. A calm conversation with both your dad and stepmom could help make your boundaries clear: you love visiting, but you’re not available as a free babysitter.

By stating this firmly but respectfully, you show that you value yourself and also want to maintain a healthy relationship. Boundaries don’t mean rejection—they mean respect for everyone’s time.

Don’t Feel Guilty for Standing Up for Yourself.

Your family calling you selfish is unfair, because your reaction came after repeated disrespect. You didn’t refuse to help out entirely—you simply showed them that your time has value.

It’s natural for relatives to pick sides, but that doesn’t erase the fact that you were being exploited. Remind yourself that saying “no” isn’t cruel, it’s healthy. Sometimes protecting your own dignity is the most loving thing you can do for a family.

Involve Your Dad Directly.

Your stepmom may brush off your concerns, but your dad is still your primary link in this family. Have a private, honest talk with him about how being treated as “the free babysitter” makes you feel. Explain that you want to spend time with him and the kids without feeling used.

If he understands your perspective, he might set clearer rules with his wife. That could ease the tension without you always having to defend yourself.

When long-held customs clash with personal expectations, conflict and confusion often follow. One reader recently shared a heartfelt story of facing this very struggle within her own family.