I’m a 28-year-old man, and I have a twin brother. Growing up, we were inseparable. Until recently, I truly believed we were still very close. I was always the shy, nerdy one, while he was outgoing and athletic, playing sports throughout our childhood and high school years. Despite our differences, we chose to spend almost all of our time together.
Things changed when college came around. He stayed local in Arizona, while I went to school in Portland. After I graduated, I decided to stay there. I fell in love with the city, built strong friendships, and established professional connections through internships and work opportunities. Even so, I always made a point to fly home for holidays, birthdays, and important family events.
Then my brother announced on Instagram that he and his girlfriend of three years were engaged. I was genuinely happy for him and immediately texted my congratulations. He mentioned they were planning an engagement party in six to eight weeks, and I told him to let me know the date so I could book a flight and come celebrate.
But I was never given a date.
Whenever I brought it up with him or anyone else in my family, the conversation would shift, or I’d be told that things were still being planned or confirmed.
After a few weeks passed, I texted my brother again to ask about the date, pointing out that it must be coming up soon and that I didn’t want to pay for a last-minute flight. He didn’t respond. I then asked my mom for details, and she told me, “It’s not really an engagement party, just a small dinner with family. There’s no need to come down for it.”
Later, I found out the truth. It wasn’t a small dinner at all. They had rented out an entire restaurant for four hours, and around 80 people attended—family, friends, cousins, everyone. And everyone had been told that I couldn’t make it.
My aunt, who has always been like a second mother to me, texted me saying she was very disappointed that I couldn’t make time to attend. I replied honestly, telling her that I would have happily come but hadn’t been invited. The word spread quickly, and soon my parents and brother were insisting that it had all been a misunderstanding.
That was almost a year ago. Since then, I’ve tried repeatedly to understand why I wasn’t invited. Over the months, the explanation kept changing. First it was, “It was just meant to be a small gathering.” Then it became, “I don’t know what happened—there must have been a miscommunication.” Eventually, it turned into, “It’s just a party. It’s no big deal.”
I asked my brother directly if he was angry with me. I wondered if his fiancée didn’t like me. Even if one of them didn’t want me there, I couldn’t understand why my parents would be okay with that. It felt completely out of character for them.
Christmas that year was incredibly awkward. No one wanted to acknowledge the obvious tension, and every conversation felt like meaningless small talk between strangers. When I visited in May for my sister’s birthday, I ended up leaving early after she said to me, “You moved so far away. It’s like you’re not really family anymore. You make everything feel so weird now.”
Nine months ago, I received the Save the Date for the wedding. Six months ago, I got the official invitation. I wasn’t asked to be part of the wedding party, which honestly wasn’t surprising at that point and didn’t really bother me. However, both my sister and my younger brother were asked to be in the wedding party, which felt like yet another snub.
On top of that, I wasn’t given a plus-one for my girlfriend, whom I’ve been dating for nearly a year and a half. Meanwhile, my sister received a plus-one for her friend. At that point, it became clear to me that I wasn’t truly welcome. I felt like I was only invited for appearances—to help present the image of a happy family.
I didn’t RSVP no, because I knew that would cause drama. Instead, I simply didn’t go. The wedding took place this past weekend. No one contacted me about missing the rehearsal dinner, which made me assume that even if I had shown up, I wasn’t invited to that either or expected to attend.
About an hour before the ceremony, I started receiving calls and texts asking where I was—whether my flight was delayed, how far along I was, and when I’d arrive. I ignored them. The messages stopped during the ceremony but started again immediately afterward.
Eventually, I answered my mom’s call. She yelled, “Where the hell are you?” I replied calmly, “In Portland, where you all prefer me to be.” She responded, “This is your brother’s wedding. How could you embarrass us?”
I said, “It’s just a party. It’s no big deal, right?”
For what felt like the first time in my life, my mother was completely silent. After a few seconds, I added, “Tell everyone I said hi,” and then I hung up.
Since then, I’ve been flooded with calls and texts from family members accusing me of being petty and saying I ruined the day. But honestly, I feel like I’m just matching the energy I’ve been given and finally letting go.
So am I in the wrong here?
